The Starlight Diaries (Kili's Moments)
by Fangirl131
Summary: This is a companion story to The Starlight Diaries series, specifically Tauriel's Diary. It's Kili's perspective on Tauriel's love, sorrow, and happiness. Major spoilers for The Starlight Diaries (Tauriel's Diary).
1. Dying

It all looked the same to me. Crimson painted over my vision, swirling in beautiful patterns. It was killing me. I reached back and I could feel the sword in my back, and it did not bother me. I could not feel pain anymore. I could not feel my heart beat.

The crimson was gone, the sword's pain was gone, and all my emotions were gone. It felt like a lifetime was passing, and yet not a second. I closed my eyes and fell asleep, trapped in a veil of nothingness.

When I woke, I was floating on the sky, among white light. I looked down and saw my love. Tauriel. I stared down, and willed myself to float down. She was staring at the sky, a runestone in her grasp. She was in the elf-kingdom of Rivendell, perched on a rock, staring at the sky. I watched with her as a star streaked against the sky. I watched her tears, longing to reach out and comfort her.

But there was a figure behind her. He came and comforted her, while I was trapped, only to watch and drift back up to where I belonged. With the stars.


	2. First Kiss

I was watching her prepare for her journey to my grave. She was leaving, and then that brown-haired elf, Lindir, she called him, walk up to her. He asked why she was leaving, and she told him she was going to see my grave. I could almost see his heart break, and for some reason, I was glad. Of course I was glad; a filthy pointy-ear was falling in love with my Tauriel. My Tauriel.

I was not expecting him to say that he'd never leave her. I was not expecting him to kiss her. She seemed like she liked it. Maybe even more than my lips, even though she only tasted them once. In a few seconds, she tangled her fingers in his hair. I was horrified, but I couldn't turn away.

When she stopped betraying me, she turned away. I was still angry, and I willed myself to float down. I pulled my sword out of my belt and thrust it through his heart. He sank to the ground, and I smiled, ready to chase after my Tauriel. But I did not. I heard him crying, big tears rolling down his "pretty" face.

He was not dead. He was not even close to dead.

I could feel the stars calling me home, and I just watched everything grow small as I flew back home.


	3. Holding On and Letting Go

I could see her writing something in a book, and so I willed myself to come down, floating into her room, making sure not to hit the tree that hung over it. I looked closer, and she was finishing an entry in her diary. She wrote to her mother.

I watched her quill dot the I in her name, and then she went to close the small book. But for some reason she stopped, and ran her fingers across the opposite page, letting me read the words. It was a final message to me. And her mother was the messenger.

~Naneth,

I need to give Kili a final message. I need you to tell him that I am happy. I need you to tell him that I will always love him as a friend, and that I will always love Lindir as my Beloved. I need you to tell him to stop watching me leave. Tell him to find a beautiful lady up there with him, and tell him that he needs to have a beautiful love like me. Tell him that I wish it.

Amin Mela Lle,

Tauriel~

That was good. She was happy. Without me. She had gone to that… Lindir. And I'm supposed to find a beautiful lady. In the stars, where I am alone. She was going to marry the elf, while I watched helpless.

I don't want a beautiful lady, I want Tauriel. It's too late to tell her, but it's true. She's let go. That was the last message.

Now, since there is only one thing holding me to the stars instead of continuing my journey, I will have to watch her get married, I will have to watch her create a new child, and I will have to watch her child grow up. I will watch the child with my runestone.

I will watch the runestone in the hands of an elf-child. The only bond to the earth on the ground. I will stay, watching, until all memory of me is gone. Until the stone cracks.

I want to continue. I know that I am the only dwarf, and probably elf and man too, that has stayed in the stars for this long. When I continue on, I will see Uncle Thorin, and Fili, and Dis. Just let me go, Tauriel.


	4. Kili's Star

I remembered today as Mereth Nuin Giliath. The feast of Starlight. The first time we spoke kindly to each other. It is the opposite today.

She's been pretending that Legolas, the bleach-haired, filthy pointy-ear that threatened my uncle, is her son-in-law. It's supposed to be a joke, but no, she wants him to marry her daughter.

They went to a cliff on top of a waterfall, and I hoped that Lindir would fall. But, no, instead they just sit, drinking wine and pointing out constellations. One time, Tauriel points at me, directly at me, and says "That's Kili's Star." Every bit of my body is screaming at her. Yes, I am here, Tauriel. Reach up and take my hand. Leave the Lindir for good.

But no. Legolas smiles at her, and then turns his head towards the Lindir. He blushes, and stands up, dragging Tauriel up to him. He tells her that he loves her, and that he wants to marry her. No. No, no, no, no, no. Please say no, Tauriel! You've betrayed me enough. Please say no.

She says nothing, but kisses him. I fall to my knees, and shoot arrow after arrow towards him, knowing that they will do no good.

I want to go to my family. I want to go away from Tauriel and Lindir and all the Elves on this entire world. Let me go, Tauriel. I'm begging you again, please let me go!


	5. Starlace

She tried on her wedding dress. It's supposed to be for the "girl with a broken heart mended by true love".

She looks beautiful in it. All green and starlace, twirling and swirling. I wish that it was her wedding dress for my wedding. I can at least pretend it is.

She seems to really love Lindir. She waits for him, sitting patiently on the side of her bed, sometimes writing to her mother.

I want to marry her. Not have her marry a pointy-ear. No way.

I want it to be my lips on hers, not Lindir's on hers. I don't want to watch them, but I can't turn away. I can't run, can't hide, and can't even blink.

When she gets married, I will float down, and clap just as happily as the other elves. I need to let her go.

But I can't. I can't let her walk away. Every single time she stares up at the sky, I know she's thinking of me.

And I know that she thinks of me as nothing more than a passing fancy.


	6. Lessil

When I watched Legolas and Arwen take Lindir and Tauriel's hands, I wanted Tauriel to pull my runestone out of her pocket and smash it on the ground.

She did not. No surprise there.

When they kissed, I could not contain myself and I decided to lash out at the other elves around me, taking my sword and stabbing everybody, knowing that no harm would be inflicted. I was going through the crowd, stabbing everyone, and when I reached the foot of the steps, I hesitated for a moment, letting Arwen crash down the stairs into Aragorn. Then I ran up the stairs, my eyes narrowing as I thrust my sword through Tauriel's heart. I wrenched it out of her heart quickly, floating up to the stars once again, twirling with my arms out, pretending to be Smaug.

"Why'd you kill the bride?"

I spun around, and almost ran into a girl. She was tall, with pointed ears. Not again.

It was an elf.

She was dressed in a silver-green dress that touched the ground. Her brown hair was unknotted, plain with no braids in it, so you could see its length, falling to her hips. I looked up into her silver eyes, and my eyes widened.

Now that I was looking at her, I realized how beautiful she was. "Because I loved her once." I replied simply, laughing when I realized that I was talking to an elf. I hadn't laughed in a long time either.

She laughed along with me, staring down at the wedding below and the newly married couple as they went to their new room. "I would have killed Lindir but I don't have a weapon. And he never really loved me. I loved him the one time that I saw him. I bumped into him and he kissed my hand." I raised my eyebrows. "Well, I told Tauriel that there could be anything in my trousers."

She laughed again, a light sound. "I guess that we're together here, and now that we're letting go, we should go to see our families." She said. "Letting go?" I asked. Then I realized what I was doing. Flirting with an elf. "Oh, I'm letting go." I said, and then I reached up on my tiptoes and kissed her roughly.

She kissed me back, laughing as we drifted to our families.

We appeared in the middle of my family's living room, still kissing.

Thorin cleared his throat, and I blushed.

"Mae Govannen, I'm Lessil." Was all the elf said, and I realized something.

I had an awful lot of explaining to do.


End file.
